I had an emotional breakdown the other day. Well, if by 'other day' you mean all week. Ok so I've been having emotional breakdowns lately, big whoop. It's just that a recent development (more like regression, really) at work has caused me to feel that history may very well be repeating itself. It's unfortunate that current circumstances are somewhat similar to what has happened in the nightmare that was December 2008. Just to make things clear, I still have a job. Well, technically. As my boss would put it, we are at a "turning point" - meaning we might be able to salvage this company and move forward or just give it up and close shop. Obviously, the latter is not what we are hoping for.
My boss, the eternal optimist, believes that the company still holds a lot of potential and it would be a shame to let it all go. I know deep in my heart, despite being innately pessimistic, that I still believe in it too.
D has suggested that I keep my options open seeing that the company, with all its potential and all, really can't pay my salary on time. And all that potential can't really convince our landlord to accept late payments. Fair enough. But in this economy? I don't know how long it would take for me to get a new job. (Can you smell the negativity yet?)
Ok let's try that again. I know I will get a new job. I know my boss can turn things around so the company can get back on track. I know both these options are possible and I am open to both of them. But I have to admit, I do have some necessary conditions.
One - I don't think I can work from home anymore. Seriously. I've tried it for a year and it's just not working for me. I don't like being stuck at home all week. And no, working at Starbucks or some cafe with free wifi is not an option either. I'm just one of those sick people who get a disturbing sense of satisfaction from waking up early, getting dressed for work, joining a mosh pit of commuters on the train only to work in the confines of a cubicle for 8 hours a day. I know I'm sick but I love it. Absolutely, deliriously love it.
Two - I want to be busy again. If there's one thing that I consciously know I excel in, it is multi-tasking in a fast-paced environment. I thrive in juggling 15 tasks at a time. I like the idea of being so busy I forget to eat lunch or pause to smell the flowers. You get the idea. I hate being idle. It drives me crazy. In the past few months that I've suffered the abundance of idle time, I have replaced juggling 15 tasks at a time to worrying about 15 things at a time. And I don't have to reiterate how worrying is not good for me.
Three - I want to power dress. As my friend from college has reaffirmed, I like to dress up. I actually enjoy the whole process of selecting what shirt goes perfectly with my high waist pencil skirt or new snakeskin killer pumps. So you can just imagine how unfortunate it is for me to work in my worn out tank top and boxers. Believe me when I say that the novelty of working in your PJs will only last for a week. After a while, you'll forgo the idea of bathing or any kind of grooming and will soon find yourself despicable.
The bottom line is, I think all I really want to do right now is work. I want to work without the unnecessary drama that is having to worry about whether or not I'll get paid on time or if I'll still have a job next month, let alone next week. Hell, I'm not even asking for a flourishing career. Just a freakin' stable job. Is it really too much to ask? Yes, I'm talking to you, Universe. Quit playing games. And don't even get me started with you, Mercury. Stop the freakin' retrogade and go with the flow for crying out loud.
Seriously.
