Today I am making an affirmation: I WILL NOT BE A SLAVE TO WORRYING ANYMORE. (Or at the very least, TRY).
I've been on an annoying funk these past few weeks. After a serious talk with Dieter, I realized how I've been swimming in a sea of negativity. It seems that I've been reveling in a bottomless pit of things to worry about - my health, our finances, our future plans - that I've consequently lost touch of enjoying living in the present.
On Health
For the past few months, I've been plagued by all sorts of sickness that has led to frequent trips to the doctor. Worrying about my health has always been constant. But it gets worse as worrying about it fuels my hypochondria. To me, what seems like a common cold is blown out of proportion and suspected to be a symptom of a serious illness, or worse, an incurable disease. It's crazy, I know. But it's something that consumes me day and night.
On Finances
To be honest, I think that I am doing well financially. For the first time in my life, I can proudly say that I have a substantial amount of money in the bank. Saving is no longer a foreign concept to me as I manage to budget my money well enough to afford me shopping sprees and yet still be able to put some behind for a rainy day. But because of worrying about the unstable state of the economy, I am more conscious of pinching pennies to be able to build a safety net just in case things take turn for the worse. The traumatic experience I had last year of almost losing everything I had has also led to a heightened fear of history repeating itself. I am always paranoid of losing my stable source of income, losing control of my finances, and consequently ending up living off my parents' paycheck back home.
On Future Plans
I have plans. Dieter has plans. Dieter and I have plans. It's all laid out so well that I'm afraid of the unknown variables that can ruin it all. I've never been one to easily adjust to changes in plans, or just changes in general. It's always been troublesome for me; an unwelcome nuisance. The way I see it, I make plans and I want to stick to it. But life? It sure has a funny way of surprising you with bumps on the road or unforeseen detours. And it's these surprising bumps on the road or unforeseen detours that worry me. I worry that I don't have the tenacity to keep on keeping on.
I worry. That's what I do. That's one of the unfortunate traits that I inherited from my father (according to my mother). It's so natural to me that it's so hard to breakaway from it. It's not just a habit that you can quit cold turkey. It takes time. And I'm hoping that by affirming this promise to myself, I will make that conscious choice of not being enslaved by aimless, worthless worrying.
