the rainbow connection

Greetings from Manila!

I arrived last Saturday morning and was greeted by humid weather, cloudy skies with scattered rain showers and horrific traffic brought about by the Christmas rush. It's good to be home. In the last 3 days that I've been here, I've managed to eat, eat and eat some more. Is this all I really do? Seems like it. It's scaring me.

I find it weird to be home. I feel like I'm here but not really. I've been dreaming of this moment for months and now that I'm actually relaxin' and chillaxin' with the family, I find myself halfheartedly participating in the festivities. The guilt is killing me. I should be doing the happy dance right now. But instead, my thoughts are elsewhere. My mind is in a state of painful uneasiness. It's excruciating. Mercilessly torturous.

My imminent return to Bangkok is greatly dependent on this business deal that is taking forever to materialize. When I think about the glacial pace of this transaction's progress, a part of me wants to throw an unconscionable temper tantrum - similar to that which is common in boys and girls between ages 1-3. I want to wreak havoc through ear-shattering whining, teeth-jarring screaming complete with flailing arms and intense kicking. I am thisclose to doing just that. Fortunately, I still have some sanity left in me to remind me that that is not normal 26-year-old-womanly behavior. No Sir!

So instead, I comfort myself with the thought that everything will be alright; that by January 5, 2009, everything will be nice and dandy and I can fly back to Bangkok with a renewed vigor for life. Yeah... Yeah? Oh hell yeah!

It will be alright. I will be ok. This deal will push through. I will be back in Bangkok with an awesome job that will give me an awesome pay and will let me work with awesome people. And to top it all off, I will be with that crazy cool unbelievably awesome person who I cannot wait to share a bucket of fried chicken and a 6 pack with on a Friday night... or any other night for that matter!

just a little lullaby to keep

This song never fails to make me swoon. Yes I dare say it, I swoon. I swoon at how Mr. Mraz lovingly strums his guitar and sings from his heart. I swoon at the sincerity of the words of the song. I swoon at how I imagine this as the song I would sing to that person I am patiently anticipating to sweep me off my feet. This is the song that picks me up, shakes off all that negative vibe, clears my mind of the dozen plots of sabotage I have carefully constructed against irksome lovey dovey couples, and banishes images of myself ending up as a miserable spinster.

This is my song. This is my song for you.

You who I don't know if I've met yet.
You who I might have walked past in the street, shared a drink with at a party, or randomly said hello to at an event.
You who constantly consume my thoughts despite the fact I don't know who you are.
You whose hands I am looking forward to hold.
You who I want to spend lazy afternoons with.
You who I want to talk to about anything and everything.
You who I want to share comfortable silences with.
You who I would love to snuggle up to during cold (and uhm not-so cold) weather.
You who I will travel and share awesome experiences with.
You who I will argue with but we'll always manage to kiss and make-up.
You who I will laugh and cry with.
You who I will drive crazy with my fickle-mindedness but will be patient enough to stick around until I finally make up my mind.
You who will stand my pms-ing and won't take my bitching personally.
You who I will share a bucket of fried chicken and a 6 pack with while watching a movie on Friday nights.
You who I know I will probably annoy with my quirks but will accept me for who I am anyway.
You who makes me believe that I can and will love again inspite of all the heartache caused by failed relationships.

I'm so excited to meet you. And when we do meet, I know we won't have to try so hard. Everything will naturally fall into place. It will be easy, uncomplicated and familiar. We'll be happy together, I just know it. I'm ready to fall for you so hurry up and get here already!

i'll make the most of it, i'm an extraordinary machine

First week of the last month of 2008 and I find myself contemplating on the year that was. I guess it's safe to say that it has been another rollercoaster ride of sorts.

The first half of the year went great. Perfect, in fact. I had taken on a new job that made me feel like I was on top of my game. The job in itself was stressful and at times, even pushed me to my breaking point. But I loved it. Absolutely, positively loved it. The challenges that came with it gave me the right kind of drive I was desperately craving for. Finally! A job that kicked my ass so hard that I surrendered and turned into a masochistic corporate slave. Definitely not something I expected from me - the self-confessed laid back, non-career driven type. But things have a way of bringing out a side of you you never knew existed and pleasantly surprise you with the wonderful possibilities that come with amazing, inevitable change.

But as the year draws to a close, the once picture-perfect reality I was living has slowly turned into a joke. The job that once has been a source of passion and drive has drained me to the core. The company that I once strongly believed in has left me feeling disgusted with its appalling level of mendacity. The workplace that I once happily went to day in and day out has turned into a graveyard of shattered dreams and broken promises. An unfortunate turn of events has left me with my back up against the wall, stuck in a situation that is increasingly forcing me to make a drastic decision that includes the possibility of moving back home...for good. The idea does not excite me at all. But if push comes to shove, I am afraid it is an option I would have to take.

I am trying to get myself out of this - whatever you want to call this disheartening phase. But these days, I struggle with the incapacitating hopelessness of the situation that I am in. I try my best to refrain falling victim to heartbreaking sobs while desperately praying for the universe to conspire in giving me what I need or get into fits of rage, exhaustingly questioning the cause of all this bad luck. I know this is not the most proactive way of dealing with this. I know that I have to pull myself together and come up with a solid game plan - preferably something that will give way to what I have in mind for the long-term.

So instead of wallowing in despair, I keep myself preoccupied with visions of what I want my future to be - and I'm not just talking about vague ideas; I'm talking about obsessive daydreaming. I envision a carefree life of traveling to different places and collecting worldly experiences. I see myself soaking up the vibe of the places I visit - the restlessness of New York, the enigmatic ruins of Machu Picchu, the decadence of Florence, the craziness of Ibiza, the steadiness of Bali. I successfully satisfy my yearning to learn more about other cultures through experiences and interacting with people from all walks of life. In my vision, I live a life where financial woes do not exist and stress is but a far concept because I am having way too much fun doing what I love to do - a job that I don't regard as a chore, a burden that makes my life miserable. I imagine how I would live comfortably in my very own spacious midtown loft. I envision its eclectic style with a twist of quirkiness that oddly enough defines who I am. Bold bright colors warm up the space, crumbling plaster and exposed brick walls give it an old worn out look. Books stacked up on bookshelves that almost take up one wall. Comfy sofas luring you to snuggle up on them. I vividly imagine myself nonchalantly going about my daily activities, spending lazy days in this cozy space. I have a clear and detailed vision of all this - the life I want to live. How to get there - that is what I should be working on now.

I cannot allow this bump on the road spoil that vision. I want that life so bad I can almost taste it. When I think about it, the only thing I have to do is find a job that will provide me the perfect mix of financial stability, employment security and job satisfaction. I strongly believe that the universe will always restore balance. Just when a door closes on me, another one will open. And I know in my heart it will be a better one - quite possibly the one that will take me one step closer to turning that vision into reality.